It’s been some weeks since I’ve had the heart to write in this diary. Truth is I don’t want to remember these days. The bleakness of life without Father, watching Mother suffer and the boys shouldering on pretending everything is fine.
Poor John has been working all hours in the forge, trying to cover all the work himself. I’ve tried to help him but I couldn’t stay away from Winterbrook much longer than the week. We will have to get a boy in to help but for now he won’t hear of it. I’m sure, like the rest of us, he can’t bear to think of another man in the forge.
Mother’s spirits have been low and since I’ve come back to work, I visit as much as I can, staying over night and coming back early in the morning. It was strange at first returning to the house. Especially thinking of how I had left. For now I would stay where I was, all thoughts of London gone. I needed to be near everyone.
I replayed that night over and over in my mind, thinking of how Jake Dodson had told me the news and how he’d had been so kind. He has been good to Mother too, visiting her every day. I didn’t like to admit how much I missed those visits now I was back at Winterbrook.
In some ways it’s been a blessing to be back here, with work to distract me from everything. Although it’s almost unsettling just how nice everyone is being to me. Mrs Rokeby gave me some of her prize jam to take home and the other maids keep offering to help with my work. I do wish they would all be normal. Even Sir George made a little speech when I returned, making me blush with embarrassment.
Still it’s been some comfort to be back attending to Miss Charlotte again. She is full of chatter over her young man and is hoping he will soon come to visit at Winterbrook. I love to hear her talk, of him and her lessons and what she and Lucy have been doing. Although much of her conversation seems to be about Miss Downing now and less about Lucy. Alice confided that Lucy is not at all happy lately. I wondered whether this was for some genuine reason or just because she is not happy to have her sister’s full attentions for a change.
Then there’s the newest member of the household, Eleanor. She is proving to be very entertaining and the subject of much gossip. I heard from one of the footmen that she had a party in the lodge last weekend. I hoped for her sake that Sir George doesn’t get wind of it or she’ll be in trouble. Or I should say, more trouble!
Only the other day she appeared in her uniform, startling everyone with her boldness. As I exclaimed over her breeches she explained that Sir George wasn’t too pleased about them and she had been summoned to see him. We walked towards the library together and I tried not to laugh as she worried over his reaction.
‘Deary me Maria, I’m sure I’m in for it again. And I’ve just gotten over the last whupping he gave me too,’ she said forlornly as we parted outside the library. I made my way upstairs to start on my darning. I had both ladies to look after now as Alice was so incapable of using a needle.
From my seat in the alcove, I heard the crack of the cane several times as Eleanor felt Sir George’s displeasure. Hearing the door open and close a while later, I moved quietly to the banisters and looked down at Eleanor. For all her bravado she was leaning against the closed door brushing tears from her eyes.
I decided I liked her a lot; a common feeling amongst everyone at Winterbrook, I think. She certainly livens the place up. Even Jenks seems to be quite taken with her.
I have just noticed the time and really must finish writing. It’s late and Mother is already asleep. I’ll need to be up early to get back to the house before I’m needed. But first I must recollect my encounter with Jake today, for it is still on my mind and I do not know what to do.
As I was hurrying up the path this morning he called out to me. A smile rising to my lips I turned to face him only to meet a scowl in return. Jake wasn’t happy that I was spending the nights at home – riding home late at night and back early in the morning.
‘You can’t keep doing this Maria,’ he shook his head. ‘You’ll wear yourself out and then you’ll be no good to anyone, least of all your Mother.’
‘Good morning to you too,’ I said with a smile, determined not to rise to him. ‘It’s a beautiful day, the first real Spring day we’ve had don’t you think?’ And it was a beautiful day and for the first time since Father died I felt like smiling again. Later I’d feel guilty about that, but for now I was happy. As to how much that was caused by seeing Jake, I wasn’t sure I wanted to admit that to myself.
He walked me up to the house and we passed the short journey in easy conversation. Reluctantly I left him at the door but as we parted he put his hand on my shoulder, gripping it firmly and looking at me sternly. ‘Take it easy Maria. I mean that, or we’ll be having more than words.’ Then turned on his heel and marched off before I could make any reply.
I stared after him in confusion and anger. How could I have forgotten what Jake Dodson was really like?
